Daily Check-in's

I tend to be a little paranoid.  I often find myself thinking about the worst case scenario. Luckily it's not bad enough that I can't function.  I tell myself that my paranoia makes me prepared.  For example:

My husband left for his deployment two weeks after I found out we were pregnant with our third child.  My mom wanted me to move home with them, but I didn't think it would be best to uproot my kids on top of having their dad leave so I decided to stay where I was.  In hindsight, that wasn't the best idea.  Shortly after he left, my mind began to wander and I imagined the worst case scenario.  I thought about what would happen if I were to die in my sleep.  My daughters had their own room and both had baby proof door locks on them. They wouldn't be able to get our of their rooms.  There wasn't any one around to notice my absence.  I was a stay at home mom.  I imagined my girls calling for me and when I didn't respond, crying for me, then eventually dying from starvation.  Again, worst case scenario. Well, that thought made me sick to my stomach so I made a deal with my mom that we would call each other at 8 in the morning.  I told her it was because I wanted someone to check in on me just in case I fell in the shower and got really hurt or something like that.  I didn't want to freak her out.  So every day for 7 months, my mom called and checked on me.

My mom was one of my best friends.  We talked almost daily since I moved out of the house.  Not having her to talk to over the last 10 months has been awful.  I miss her so much.  I not only lost my mom, but my best friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my everything.  I called her when something good happened.  I called her when something bad happened.  She was always my first call with anything.  Well, unless my husband didn't know then he was my first, but then she was my second.  I told her almost everything.  There were very few things she didn't know, but only because they were things meant to be kept between husband and wife.

I have a belief in the afterlife.  I believe that she's there doing good things, but I can't help but be angry at times that I don't still have her here.  Overall, the grief hasn't been bad.  I was a little worried how it would affect me given our close relationship, but it's been manageable.  The last couple of days have been pretty brutal.  I really want to check-in.  I really want to have a conversation with my mom about nothing.  We could talk for an hour with nothing more than a "what's going on with you?".

I'm not sure how to end this post.  I want to go on and on about my mom, but also don't want to open up those emotions.  I can only handle so many at a time.  I think the worst part is that there isn't an end to this grief.  It's not like I'll wake up tomorrow and she'll be back.  This is my new reality and I have to say, it sucks.  I want my mom back.