Am I a Psychic?

A vlogger I follow was talking with a friend about spiritual gifts and for the fun of it decided to take this test.  She did a video talking about her answers.  I decided to accept her invitation to take the test and blog my answers.  I definitely believe in spiritual gifts, although I'm still figuring out what mine are, but I wouldn't say I'm psychic.  Maybe aware of spiritual things and how they can affect us, but not like I know the future.  So here we go. PS, I didn't proof this one so sorry if there are mistakes.  I'll get around to it another night.

Are you good at telling when people are lying? 

Yes.  It's like a little alarm goes off in my head when I'm being lied to.  I don't usually say anything to that person, unless it's my kid, I just make a mental note.  If you're lying to me then I can't trust you so I won't tell you anything personal.

Do you ever feel drained or tired around certain people? 

YES!  Oh my, yes.  There are certain people who I just avoid because I feel like they're sucking my will to live.  They're like emotional vampires and take everything I have to offer. I had a good friend in high school that, after graduation, turned into an emotional vampire. The choices she was making and the affects it was having on her life was too much for me.  I had to take a step back from that friendship.  She wore me out.

Have you ever thought of someone and they gave you a call soon after?

Yes.  This happened a lot with my mom.  It was weird.  I'd be driving in my car and have a thought that I wanted to share with my mom and as I was reaching for my phone, she'd call me.  It happened a little with other people, but mostly with my mom.  I think that's one of the things I miss the most.

Do you communicate well with animals, and do they respond well to you?

I'm not sure how to answer this question.  I feel like my childhood dog and I had a great relationship.  He knew when I needed him and was there for me every time.  But since he died, I haven't had a pet around so I'm not sure if it's still that way. I will say that I haven't met a dog that hasn't liked me.  And most cats don't like me, but the feeling is mutual. The only cat that I like is my sisters and it's because it hates cats just as much as I do.  I'm going to say yes to this question.

Are you drawn to the unexplained and the paranormal?

Mostly yes.  I love reading about unexplained or paranormal things as long as it doesn't have a satanic vibe to it.  When it gets that evil feeling to it, I'm out.  But stories about sweet things, love them.  One October as a teenager, a group of friends and I went to a whole bunch of haunted houses.  We were having a great time.  The sister of one of those friends had lived in a real haunted house.  It belonged to her husband's grandparents.  They lived there for a year or so but then it just got to be too much.  We decided to go there one night.  Bad idea.  It scared the crap out of me and I couldn't sleep without a light on for a week.  I'll blog about that experience another time.

Do you ever have a feeling that there is another presence helping you? 

Yes.  I believe in the afterlife.  I also believe in doing genealogy.  I like finding out who's in my family tree and learning about them.  There have been many times where I feel like I'm being guided to find someone missing.  I've also felt the presence of family when I've needed them.

When meeting a new person for the first time, have you ever felt that you'd met them before?

Yes.  It has only happened a few times and with people who turn out to be really good, dear friends.

You know that plants and animals have consciousness.

Not a question, but yes. I believe that all things created by God has some sort of spiritual awareness.  Not necessarily the same level of consciousness that humans have, but a spirit and awareness.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nope.  I don't.  I believe that you can have a connection with someone, like spirits talking, but a true, deep, meaningful love, no.  I think true love comes over time and with a lot of work.

Have you ever had a premonition, or dream, that came true?

Yes.  This actually happens a lot.  Well, not so much now, but as a child, it happened all the time to the point that if it was something bad happening, it freaked me out.  When I was like 7 my sister and dad were in a play together that her middle school was putting on.  It was called "It's My Life".  I loved the music to it.  Anyway, they used ladders of all sized in the background of one (or more, it was a long time ago) dance scenes and the dancers would climb or sit on them.  One night I was lying in bet and the thought came to me that the tallest ladder was going to fall and the girl was going to get hurt.  I went upstairs and told my mom who sent me back to bed.  The next night during one of the solos, the stage was dark except for the spotlighted singer, there was a crash.  Turns out one of the smaller ladders fell and the girl broke her arm.  That was the first time I remember that a premonition came true.

Do synchronicities and uncanny coincidences play a role in your life?

Yes.  I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe that God is in control of my life when I allow Him to be and puts things into place the way I need them to be.  

Have you ever had an ecstatic or out of body experience?

No.

Have you ever seen or experienced an aura?

Yes.  I don't think I've actually seen one, but I have noticed when people look dark and when people look light.  Maybe that's what I'm seeing.  I've also felt a change in myself when coming in close contact with people whether it's for good or bad.

Have you ever been along and heard someone talking to you or call your name?

I'm not sure how to answer this.  Have I heard, like with my ears, someone calling my name?  No.  But I have had thoughts that weren't my own as if someone was talking to me. I'm going to say yes because I have experienced what I think is the idea of this question, that you've had someone not there talk to you.  So yes.

If you close your eyes, is it easy for you to imagine, visualize, or see images?

Yes, and this plays into my dreams.  I have very vivid, colorful dreams that I remember. They're not memories though, my memory is terrible, but I can visualize something being described to me or reading from a book and I can see it as if it was a memory.

Have you ever been checking someone out of the opposite sex and they turned around, knowing what you were doing, and gave you a glare?

Yes, but no.  I've checked someone out and had them turn, but never glared at.  

And my results?

You are: The Psychic Goddess

Your Total Score: 70 out of 80 — (88%)

Telepathic Communication: 20 out of 20

Clairvoyance: 15 out of 10

Spiritual Awareness: 20 out of 25

Pre-Cognitive Ability: 5 out of 10 

Well, there you have it.  I'm a Psychic Goddess.  I guess it's time to open a shop and start making some money.

This Mama Needs a Break

Sometimes I hate being a mother.  Okay, hate is too strong of a word.

Sometimes I'm tired of being a mother.

There.

That's better.

I'm tired of doing the dishes and laundry and making dinner and planning dinner and grocery shopping and cleaning the house and waking up early and making lunches and taking them to school and entertaining the 3 year old and sweeping the floor and sweeping the floor and sweeping the floor.  How is it possible to sweep a floor as many times in a day that I do and still find dirt?  My husband is great and is very helpful, but I'm just tired of it all.

Not that I'd change or trade it, I just need a break.  A pause button or to switch places with someone and live their childless life for a week or three.  Just long enough to rest, reset, and rejuvenate.  The idea of not having my family, or worse, something happening to them, makes me sick, but a break would be nice.

Being the mother of four is exhausting.  The first three are within three years then a three year break before number four.  They wear me out.  I often look at other moms and the fun activities they do with their kids and think, "I want to be that mom" but to be honest, I'm not that mom.  That's not the mom I grew up with so I really don't know how to be that mom or do I care to be.

Nothing against my mom.  She hated our situation.  Due to circumstances beyond their control, my parents were poor.  My dad was supposed to get the family business, but my grandpa sold it leaving my dad high and dry and in debt because his name was on the company accounts.  I was a newborn when this happened and with 3 more small children at home, he realized he had to get an education.  He went to a trade school that was 6 hours away.  When he was finished, he got a job working full-time, but when that wasn't enough to make ends meet, picked up a part-time job.  All the while my mom worked full-time.  I was raised by a neighbor up the street.  My mom hated it.  She told me once that when she first started dropping me off, I would cry.  She'd kiss me goodbye, get into her car, and cry all the way to work.  After awhile, I stopped crying when she'd drop me off.  She'd kiss me goodbye, get into her car, and cry all the way to work.  As soon as my parents were financially stable, she quit.  I was 12.  So I didn't have much of a crafty mom when I was a kid.  She was awesome with my kids, but unfortunately, that was short lived.

Is it bad to admit this?  I'm always afraid of being too honest.  That someone out there will take it out of context and think I'm a terrible mother.  I don't really care what they think of me, but there's that fear they'll call DCFS or something.  I love my kids and meet their emotional, physical, and mental well-being.  I'm just saying that I'm a person too and sometimes I need a break from them for my emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Tell me I'm not the only one.

Another Chapter to the End of My College Career

In a previous post, I explained why I finally pulled the plug on my college career.  A deep fryer spewing oil all over me was reason enough, but it truly was just the cherry on top of what was a really hard month.  Here's another piece to the puzzle.

I had the opportunity to study American Sign Language during high school.  I loved the language and picked it up quickly.  I studied it for three years so when I heard the local Deaf school was hiring teacher's aides, I applied and was hired.  I worked at an elementary school in a co-enrolled class of mostly hearing and a few Deaf students.  I loved it and decided to pursue a Deaf education teaching degree.

I enrolled in a local community college, one that was far enough away from home that it required me to move out.  My best friend Sophia was attending a major state university in the next city so we decided to become roommates along with her friend Ava.  That was the first of many bad decisions.  I had a car and an apartment that I couldn't afford so I knew I had to get a job.  Instead of holding out for a good job that worked with my school schedule, I settled for working in a grocery store deli.  I was working more hours than my full school schedule allowed so I missed a lot of class.  I was exhausted and stressed, but knew I needed that job.

It was October and Sophia and I had been talking about/planning a night to carve pumpkins. After a particularly difficult night at work, I came home to Sophia, Ava and Elijah* carving pumpkins on our porch.  I was hurt.  We had planned to do it together and not only were they doing it without me, they didn't tell me ahead of time so I could at least come home and join them.  I muttered some kind of greeting and went to take a shower. Nothing like smelling like fried chicken every night.  Once I was showered and smelling like a normal person again, I walked to the kitchen looking for a mug for hot chocolate.  I didn't have one of my own and usually borrowed one from a roommate, but there weren't any clean.  For whatever reason, this broke me.  I turned around, and without saying anything, left.  They called after me, but I ignored them.  

I called Grayson and asked him if I could hang out there since I had no where else to go.  I don't think he wanted me there, but felt bad so allowed me to come.  I just sat on a chair in his living room while he hung out with another friend.  Eventually Elijah came home.  We talked, I felt better, and I left.

On my way home, I stopped at a store and bought a mug.


*Go to Cast of Characters to know who these people are.

My New Year's Resolutions

I can't believe 2016 has already come to an end.  I have no overall complaints about 2016 other than my mom dying.  That pretty much makes 2016 the worst year ever.  But other than that, it was a fine year.  2017 already has a leg up on 2016 simply because my mom can't die again.  Granted, my 96-year-old grandma or my 98-year-old grandpa could, but that won't shock anyone.  It'd be sad, but not shocking.

I'm looking forward to 2017 for many reasons, one of which are the goals I'm going to accomplish.  See what I did there?  I said "going to" rather than "hope to" or "try to".  I'm going in confidant that I'll be successful.

I recently read an article entitled If It Doesn’t Suck, It’s Not Worth Doing and it inspired me. Now, I can't do what the author suggests which is finishing a project no matter how long it takes because I'm a mom.  I can't ignore my responsibilities (read: kids) until I finish said project, but I can commit my free *cough* time to it until it's finished.  There are two big ones that I have my sights set on.

First, my family photo album.  I started this album 3 years into my marriage and we'll celebrate number 12 this month.  I covered the first 6 months of my relationship with my husband.  Fast forward 8 years to when I finally started working on it again.  I've gotten a lot done, but it's been emotionally hard.  I lived with my parents when I was dating my husband and after getting married, I lived 5 minutes away for 2 years.  It was a lot harder than I expected to document that time in my life.  I looked at a lot of pictures of my mom. They found the cancer right before my first anniversary.  I was the only child living close to my parents during this time so I was heavily involved.  It was draining to see the happy, seemingly healthy mom turn to the frail cancer survivor in pictures.  I had to take several breaks.  I've completed our wedding album and almost the first 2 years of our relationship. I should include that digital cameras were just coming out at this time and very few people had one.  We didn't have one until around our second anniversary so doing this album has required hard copies.  It's funny to look at the album too because the first twenty or so pages are really decorative and pretty.  The further you go the plainer they become.  It's apparent that I lost interest and am just trying to finish the stupid thing.  Once I'm through the second year, I can switch to digital which should go much quicker.

I'd like to include why I want to finish these albums so much.  A week before my mom died the whole family gathered to say our last goodbyes.  My brother-in-law stood in her room and took pictures of the comings and goings.  My sister created an album with these pictures and gave each of us one for Christmas.  It's very hard to look at, but I'm really glad I have it.  BUT, I don't want the only album in my house to be the one where my mom is dying.  I'd like my kids to be able to grab a book and see my mom healthy and happy. Really good motivation right there.

Okay, the second thing that I'm going to finish this year is compiling my favorite recipes cookbook.  I started it during a photo album break, but neither project is finished.  I've created a cute template and have entered many of my favorites, but I have yet to print any out, insert them in the plastic sleeves and binder that I bought 3 years ago specifically for this project.  I'm good at procrastinating.

I guess I have another goal on top of those two that I'll work on as I go.  I want to find out who I am away from my children.  I want to establish my identity again now that my kids are getting older and don't need as much from me mentally and physically.  Wish me luck.

Well, there you have it.  My New Year's Resolutions.  I'll keep you updated on these.  I'm determined to finish them no matter how much they suck because, really, if it doesn't suck, it's not worth doing.

Daily Check-in's

I tend to be a little paranoid.  I often find myself thinking about the worst case scenario. Luckily it's not bad enough that I can't function.  I tell myself that my paranoia makes me prepared.  For example:

My husband left for his deployment two weeks after I found out we were pregnant with our third child.  My mom wanted me to move home with them, but I didn't think it would be best to uproot my kids on top of having their dad leave so I decided to stay where I was.  In hindsight, that wasn't the best idea.  Shortly after he left, my mind began to wander and I imagined the worst case scenario.  I thought about what would happen if I were to die in my sleep.  My daughters had their own room and both had baby proof door locks on them. They wouldn't be able to get our of their rooms.  There wasn't any one around to notice my absence.  I was a stay at home mom.  I imagined my girls calling for me and when I didn't respond, crying for me, then eventually dying from starvation.  Again, worst case scenario. Well, that thought made me sick to my stomach so I made a deal with my mom that we would call each other at 8 in the morning.  I told her it was because I wanted someone to check in on me just in case I fell in the shower and got really hurt or something like that.  I didn't want to freak her out.  So every day for 7 months, my mom called and checked on me.

My mom was one of my best friends.  We talked almost daily since I moved out of the house.  Not having her to talk to over the last 10 months has been awful.  I miss her so much.  I not only lost my mom, but my best friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my everything.  I called her when something good happened.  I called her when something bad happened.  She was always my first call with anything.  Well, unless my husband didn't know then he was my first, but then she was my second.  I told her almost everything.  There were very few things she didn't know, but only because they were things meant to be kept between husband and wife.

I have a belief in the afterlife.  I believe that she's there doing good things, but I can't help but be angry at times that I don't still have her here.  Overall, the grief hasn't been bad.  I was a little worried how it would affect me given our close relationship, but it's been manageable.  The last couple of days have been pretty brutal.  I really want to check-in.  I really want to have a conversation with my mom about nothing.  We could talk for an hour with nothing more than a "what's going on with you?".

I'm not sure how to end this post.  I want to go on and on about my mom, but also don't want to open up those emotions.  I can only handle so many at a time.  I think the worst part is that there isn't an end to this grief.  It's not like I'll wake up tomorrow and she'll be back.  This is my new reality and I have to say, it sucks.  I want my mom back.