I've struggled with self-esteem my whole life. There were a few years that I felt amazing about myself overall, but that little insecurity was still there. I started wearing makeup at 12 for no other reason than to look older. I've basically worn a full face of makeup since. I didn't struggle so much with that aspect until Jacob.
When I was 16 my family moved to Virginia for a short time. Shortly before we moved again, I became friends with Sophia. We kept up our friendship long distance and I would fly back to visit her whenever I could. The summer of my 17th year was one of those visits. I really admired Sophia's natural beauty and effortless style. She was everything that I wanted to be. I tried really hard to be like her, but that's for another post. Through her I met Jacob. At the time, he had a girlfriend and I was nursing a broken heart myself. We became friends, but nothing more.
Fast forward a few months and my ex and I were starting to rekindle our relationship. I wasn't sure of what to do so I asked Jacob for his opinion. His response was to not go back with my ex, but to date him. Neither were good options, but tell that to my 17 year-old self. Oh, and how I fell for Jacob. I'll post more about him another time because there's a lot that happened there. Here's the point of him. He flew out to visit me around my 18th birthday. At this point I had gone to school everyday since I was 12 wearing makeup. Jacob wanted to see me without makeup and asked me to show him. I decided to oblige, but in order to do that I decided to go to school without makeup on. When I was finished (I only went half days so I was done around 11ish), I drove over to where Jacob was staying to wake him up. He took one look at me and said, "You look better with makeup on."
It crushed me.
I wouldn't leave my house without makeup on for years. Very few people saw me without makeup and it was only because I couldn't avoid it. I'd suffer near panic attacks anytime someone would see me without makeup. I felt awful about myself.
Well, many years later, I'm okay. I still don't like to go places without makeup, but it's not crippling anymore. I can go to the grocery without and am fine.
It's so interesting the direction this post went. When I started I hadn't planned on writing about this. I was going to talk about how I struggle with pictures of myself because I look older than I think I should. I have dark circles under my eyes. It could be from my dairy intolerance or genetics, but they're there. There are times when I feel like when someone looks at me it's all bags, circles, and crows feet. I finally got some guts and posted selfies on Facebook. It was hard, but I need to accept myself for who I am, crows feet and all. I don't want to go back to being that girl with low self-esteem.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
I Survived the Family Visit/Drama!
I thought I would update from my last post. There was definitely some drama during the family visit, and where I expected it, but overall it was better than I expected. The sum of the trip was it was delightful to have my in-laws, my cousin in-law, and my dad here. I wish my brother-in-law and Side Piece wouldn't have come. Or at least not Side Piece. I didn't like who my brother-in-law turned into around her.
Cousin-in-law was surprisingly delightful. Let me explain. The last time I saw her she was around 20 and making some pretty dumb life choices. It was hard to be around her because even though she was sweet, there was something about her that put me off. A lot has happened to her over the last three years and she's really come into her own. Her sweetness is still there, but that something else isn't. I ended up being really glad she was there.
Dad stayed with me and was a lot of fun. We were able to spend some time alone together, not as much as I would've liked, but enough. My dad wasn't active in our church when I was growing up. It wasn't until a few years ago that he really got his crap together. It's been great seeing him this happy. We spend a lot of time now discussing the gospel and it reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my mom. I love that reminder.
In-laws were as usual. My mother-in-law is the best. I caught a head cold/sinus infection while they were here. She watched my kids and cleaned my house while I napped. My father-in-law is unique. There are aspects of him that drive me (and everyone else) crazy, but there's also a lot of good about him. Friday night Brother-in-law lost the keys to the house he was staying at. Everyone spent an hour searching my house for this key while my FIL played a computer game. I get that once you start you can't really stop, but after the game ended, he started a new one. That's just him.
So let's get to what you really want to read about - my crappy brother-in-law and his mistress. I realize that it was my choice not to let them stay at my house so this is kind of a cheat thing to be annoyed about, but they wouldn't come over to my house until late in the afternoon. We'd see them around like 3 everyday. Side Piece barely spoke to us and even then it was when we forced her to. Friday night we had a banquet for my husband's work. We fronted the tickets for everyone with them all agreeing to pay us back. At this banquet they had several raffles. Side Piece won a BMW gift bag. It included a 2-day BMW car rental, a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant, a BMW watch which I'd guess was worth at least $50, a BMW pen and hat, and a few other miscellaneous things. They picked up the car on Saturday after the baptism which actually made it easier to have an extra car. Sunday they didn't come over until 4 which is when I said dinner would be ready and left again around 8 to go to the fancy restaurant. Monday they returned the car using my in-laws car. It hadn't been communicated to BIL that my MIL needed the car to pick my kids up from school. No big deal for them to walk except it was raining really hard. By the time they made it home, they were sopping wet. The icing on the cake was when I got a notice from the school's librarian saying I have to pay to replace the damaged book that was in my daughter's backpack. Again, I can't be mad about the lack of communication because he wasn't staying with us, but he sure could've made a better effort to find out what has happening every day. It was also super awesome when, after Brother-in-law had his fun weekend with Side Piece, he tells us that he doesn't have any money and isn't going to pay us back for the tickets. Classy.
The crowning moment of the whole weekend was Tuesday night. Cousin-in-law is a hairdresser and she gave Brother-in-law a haircut as my children were going to bed. When she finished, he took a shower and, unknown to any of us, invited Side Piece into the bathroom with him. Yeah, that bugs me because of the message it gives my kids which was what we were avoiding and why we weren't allowing them to stay at our house, but the problem was that Cousin-in-law thought they were in the shower together and told me that. I lost it. The build up from the frustrating weekend with them just hit me. I didn't say anything to him about the shower, but I wasn't very nice when we were playing games. I felt like he got a weekend away with his mistress on everyone else's dime. I felt taken advantage of and disrespected. He tried to stay on the offensive of our conversation, but when I'm on a roll, not many can stand against me. He basically avoided me the rest of the night and the next morning as they got ready to leave. Husband spoke to him about it yesterday and he apologized. It didn't occur to him the image he was showing my children. He says he didn't mean to be disrespectful either. He was just being stupid. That's the word I would use to describe his behavior the whole weekend: stupid. I also apologized because I realize that I overreacted, but still. I doubt this relationship will last long, there were many telling signs from this weekend that are big red flags to me, but he seems to be oblivious or not care. One thing's for sure, if he wants to bring her the next time he visits, the answer is no, or he will get a hotel room and pay for his weekend away.
One more thing about Side Piece. She's kind of dumb. Maybe there's a learning disability, but if not, then she's just dumb. She didn't know that three-quarters and three-fourths was the same thing. She also can't add. We were playing a game with dominoes and at the end you have to add everything up. She couldn't do it. She had Brother-in-law do it every time. Mind you, sometimes they were simple numbers like six and four. She also has no idea or direction for her life. We were trying to get to know her better and everything we asked she answered with an "I don't know". "What are some of your interests?" "I don't really have any." "What do you want to do when you get out of the Air Force?" "I don't know." "Do you want to stay in the Air Force?" "I don't know, not really." "Are you interested in going to college or a trade school?" "I don't know. I don't think I want to go to college, but I'm not sure." Maybe that 14 year age gap is perfect because she's looking for someone to take care of her. Joke's on her though because Brother-in-law can barely afford to pay child support, credit card payments, and take care of himself. I think she figured that out while she was here.
Well, that about sums it up I think. I want to add that I realized I did a lot of name calling for Side Piece, but I definitely say a lot about Brother-in-law. Apparently I only say them in my mind. Or to my husband.
Cousin-in-law was surprisingly delightful. Let me explain. The last time I saw her she was around 20 and making some pretty dumb life choices. It was hard to be around her because even though she was sweet, there was something about her that put me off. A lot has happened to her over the last three years and she's really come into her own. Her sweetness is still there, but that something else isn't. I ended up being really glad she was there.
Dad stayed with me and was a lot of fun. We were able to spend some time alone together, not as much as I would've liked, but enough. My dad wasn't active in our church when I was growing up. It wasn't until a few years ago that he really got his crap together. It's been great seeing him this happy. We spend a lot of time now discussing the gospel and it reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my mom. I love that reminder.
In-laws were as usual. My mother-in-law is the best. I caught a head cold/sinus infection while they were here. She watched my kids and cleaned my house while I napped. My father-in-law is unique. There are aspects of him that drive me (and everyone else) crazy, but there's also a lot of good about him. Friday night Brother-in-law lost the keys to the house he was staying at. Everyone spent an hour searching my house for this key while my FIL played a computer game. I get that once you start you can't really stop, but after the game ended, he started a new one. That's just him.
So let's get to what you really want to read about - my crappy brother-in-law and his mistress. I realize that it was my choice not to let them stay at my house so this is kind of a cheat thing to be annoyed about, but they wouldn't come over to my house until late in the afternoon. We'd see them around like 3 everyday. Side Piece barely spoke to us and even then it was when we forced her to. Friday night we had a banquet for my husband's work. We fronted the tickets for everyone with them all agreeing to pay us back. At this banquet they had several raffles. Side Piece won a BMW gift bag. It included a 2-day BMW car rental, a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant, a BMW watch which I'd guess was worth at least $50, a BMW pen and hat, and a few other miscellaneous things. They picked up the car on Saturday after the baptism which actually made it easier to have an extra car. Sunday they didn't come over until 4 which is when I said dinner would be ready and left again around 8 to go to the fancy restaurant. Monday they returned the car using my in-laws car. It hadn't been communicated to BIL that my MIL needed the car to pick my kids up from school. No big deal for them to walk except it was raining really hard. By the time they made it home, they were sopping wet. The icing on the cake was when I got a notice from the school's librarian saying I have to pay to replace the damaged book that was in my daughter's backpack. Again, I can't be mad about the lack of communication because he wasn't staying with us, but he sure could've made a better effort to find out what has happening every day. It was also super awesome when, after Brother-in-law had his fun weekend with Side Piece, he tells us that he doesn't have any money and isn't going to pay us back for the tickets. Classy.
The crowning moment of the whole weekend was Tuesday night. Cousin-in-law is a hairdresser and she gave Brother-in-law a haircut as my children were going to bed. When she finished, he took a shower and, unknown to any of us, invited Side Piece into the bathroom with him. Yeah, that bugs me because of the message it gives my kids which was what we were avoiding and why we weren't allowing them to stay at our house, but the problem was that Cousin-in-law thought they were in the shower together and told me that. I lost it. The build up from the frustrating weekend with them just hit me. I didn't say anything to him about the shower, but I wasn't very nice when we were playing games. I felt like he got a weekend away with his mistress on everyone else's dime. I felt taken advantage of and disrespected. He tried to stay on the offensive of our conversation, but when I'm on a roll, not many can stand against me. He basically avoided me the rest of the night and the next morning as they got ready to leave. Husband spoke to him about it yesterday and he apologized. It didn't occur to him the image he was showing my children. He says he didn't mean to be disrespectful either. He was just being stupid. That's the word I would use to describe his behavior the whole weekend: stupid. I also apologized because I realize that I overreacted, but still. I doubt this relationship will last long, there were many telling signs from this weekend that are big red flags to me, but he seems to be oblivious or not care. One thing's for sure, if he wants to bring her the next time he visits, the answer is no, or he will get a hotel room and pay for his weekend away.
One more thing about Side Piece. She's kind of dumb. Maybe there's a learning disability, but if not, then she's just dumb. She didn't know that three-quarters and three-fourths was the same thing. She also can't add. We were playing a game with dominoes and at the end you have to add everything up. She couldn't do it. She had Brother-in-law do it every time. Mind you, sometimes they were simple numbers like six and four. She also has no idea or direction for her life. We were trying to get to know her better and everything we asked she answered with an "I don't know". "What are some of your interests?" "I don't really have any." "What do you want to do when you get out of the Air Force?" "I don't know." "Do you want to stay in the Air Force?" "I don't know, not really." "Are you interested in going to college or a trade school?" "I don't know. I don't think I want to go to college, but I'm not sure." Maybe that 14 year age gap is perfect because she's looking for someone to take care of her. Joke's on her though because Brother-in-law can barely afford to pay child support, credit card payments, and take care of himself. I think she figured that out while she was here.
Well, that about sums it up I think. I want to add that I realized I did a lot of name calling for Side Piece, but I definitely say a lot about Brother-in-law. Apparently I only say them in my mind. Or to my husband.
Monday, March 27, 2017
The Drama of a Family Visit
I live over a thousand miles away from my dad. Last August I flew back to help him and my sister go through my mom's things. While I was there, he decided to come spend Christmas with my family as well as come in April for my daughter's baptism. I was thrilled! I went home and told my kids and started planning. A couple of months later, we made a spontaneous trip back for a friend's wedding. While we were there, my dad told me that since he was seeing my family at that time, that he decided to stay home for Christmas. My brother's daughter, who lives closer to me than my brother, was going to be there for Christmas and my dad didn't want to miss her. To say that I was disappointed was an understatement, but I understood.
Now April is upon us and I'm feeling disappointed again. My dad didn't cancel, he'll be here for her baptism, but I have a lot more family coming and I feel like it's going to take away my time with my dad. As I mentioned before, I'm LDS and in my faith we don't baptize our children until they're 8. Of course my in-laws want to come, I expect them to, but now I have 3 other people coming who, frankly, I don't want to. At least not for this event.
Let me explain. My brother-in-law is in the middle of a divorce. He's been unhappy for a decade and his wife isn't very nice. Like, at all. I totally get it, but what makes me mad is that he had an affair. He told his wife about it and then committed to working on the marriage. Fast forward 9 months and it comes out that he's been talking to Side Piece the whole time. That makes me angry. I didn't have a lot of respect for him after the affair anyway, but that just eliminated what was remaining. I feel like I've already talked about this, so forgive me if I have. But now he wants to come visit and introduce us to Side Piece at my daughter's baptism. What the heck? Oh, and even though her parents live less than an hour away from me, she's not telling them she's visiting so she'll need a place to stay. I'm NOT comfortable with having them stay in my home under these circumstances. It took about a month before my husband finally understood and actually backed me up on how I felt. It took a compromise and me pointing out that he wasn't on my side before he saw it, but he did and fixed that situation. Brother and Side Piece are staying with neighbors.
Next is my husband's cousin. Now, under normal circumstances I would be thrilled to have her come visit. She's struggling right now because of some choices she made that didn't turn out the way she had hoped and now she's stuck. She needs a vacation so she chose to come see us. Very sweet, but "I need to get away, hey, I'll come see you" isn't the same as "you're daughter is about to make a big covenant, I want to come support her in this amazing decision" so I feel like it just takes away from my little girl. I won't let my daughter know this, I'm going to make her believe that everyone is coming for her because that's the way it should be.
So I'm sorting through all of this added drama to what should have been a drama free event when my dad suggests staying at a hotel since my house is a little small for all the additional guests. My heart broke. I insisted he stay here, but he's stubborn and likes his space. I've enlisted the help of my sister. I know between the two of us that we'll get the point across. I know I shouldn't be bugged about having family come to visit, but I've never had my family visit me before. Right after we moved here we found out my mom's cancer was back. The whole first year was spent with her being too sick to do anything so obviously they couldn't come visit. My sister hurt her back so badly that she was basically bedridden for 9 months and finally had to get surgery. Her husband had a stroke right after we left. Both of my brothers are super poor and are barely making ends meet as it is so they can't afford to come visit. Then my mom died. The last year has been about emotional survival for all of us as well as physical healing for others. Now the time has finally come that someone is coming to visit and this is what I'm dealing with - him staying in a hotel because my house isn't big enough.
I'm not mad at my dad, I totally get it, I'm mad at the situation. I know it'll all work out, but I can't help but feel anxious as it looms closer. And I swear, if Side Piece acts like the 21 year-old that she is, I'm going to lose it. Yeah, that's right, my brother-in-law's girlfriend is 15 years younger than him! Yep, that's going to last the test of time. Especially when the relationship started by lying to their spouse/significant other. Great foundation.
Anyway, that's a topic for another time. Thanks for listening. Putting it all out there always helps me feel better. I hope that this will and it'll help me figure out how to make this work so I actually enjoy the visits. I'll let you know how it goes.
Friday, March 3, 2017
Emptiness
Today the grief is winning.
We're approaching the first anniversary of my mom's death. I don't want to use the word "anniversary" because to me "anniversary" is a positive thing and this isn't positive. This sucks. This absolutely sucks.
Today I'm angry and sad and lonely. Today I miss her so much that my heart feels like it may burst. Today I'm so angry that she's dead that I want to scream. Today I'd give anything to be able to go lie next to her grave just to be close to her. Today I'm broken.
I keep telling myself that it'll get better. It has to, right? But days like today feel like it never will. How can it? Nothing will bring her back. Yes, I believe in the afterlife and that my mom is still with me and blah blah blah, but today that doesn't bring comfort. Today I don't want to hear any of that crap. Today I'm mad at myself for ever saying it to someone who has lost a loved one because until you've experienced it, you have no idea how it feels. I know hearing stuff like that brings comfort to some, like my brother, but it doesn't to me. Not on days like today. It does nothing to the hole that is my heart.
Tomorrow will mark one year since I last spoke with my mom. The last day I saw her alive. It was a Friday. We decided not to go up on Saturday or Sunday so she could rest. She died Sunday night. I wish I could go back in time and spend every last minute of her life curled up by her side. I wish I could go back and just be with her. To see her smile and have her hold me. I wish I could smell her and hold her hand. I'd give anything to hold her hand again. Death sucks. There are very few things that I can say that I hate, but I HATE death. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Despite everything I just typed, there are two things that I'm grateful for today. First, that my husband is at work so I can sit at my computer sobbing. It's not that I don't cry in front of him, but there's something about being alone that is really freeing when you have a breakdown. Second, that my dad doesn't know about my blog. No matter how I'm feeling about my mom, I know it doesn't compare to how he feels. They were married for 41 years. I know my heartache doesn't touch his. I realize it's a different kind of heartache, but I also know that I don't understand his. I'm grateful I have a place I can unleash my emotions without worrying about how he feels. Maybe that's selfish, but that's why I'm anonymous. I don't have to worry about anyone else but myself here.
I guess there's one more thing that I'm grateful for. Even though I said I didn't want to hear any of the religious stuff, I'm grateful for it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, I'll wake up and feel better. I'll be glad that I have a belief in the afterlife and it will give me the comfort that's eluding me right now. The religious stuff enables me to win the war after grief wins a battle.
We're approaching the first anniversary of my mom's death. I don't want to use the word "anniversary" because to me "anniversary" is a positive thing and this isn't positive. This sucks. This absolutely sucks.
Today I'm angry and sad and lonely. Today I miss her so much that my heart feels like it may burst. Today I'm so angry that she's dead that I want to scream. Today I'd give anything to be able to go lie next to her grave just to be close to her. Today I'm broken.
I keep telling myself that it'll get better. It has to, right? But days like today feel like it never will. How can it? Nothing will bring her back. Yes, I believe in the afterlife and that my mom is still with me and blah blah blah, but today that doesn't bring comfort. Today I don't want to hear any of that crap. Today I'm mad at myself for ever saying it to someone who has lost a loved one because until you've experienced it, you have no idea how it feels. I know hearing stuff like that brings comfort to some, like my brother, but it doesn't to me. Not on days like today. It does nothing to the hole that is my heart.
Tomorrow will mark one year since I last spoke with my mom. The last day I saw her alive. It was a Friday. We decided not to go up on Saturday or Sunday so she could rest. She died Sunday night. I wish I could go back in time and spend every last minute of her life curled up by her side. I wish I could go back and just be with her. To see her smile and have her hold me. I wish I could smell her and hold her hand. I'd give anything to hold her hand again. Death sucks. There are very few things that I can say that I hate, but I HATE death. I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Despite everything I just typed, there are two things that I'm grateful for today. First, that my husband is at work so I can sit at my computer sobbing. It's not that I don't cry in front of him, but there's something about being alone that is really freeing when you have a breakdown. Second, that my dad doesn't know about my blog. No matter how I'm feeling about my mom, I know it doesn't compare to how he feels. They were married for 41 years. I know my heartache doesn't touch his. I realize it's a different kind of heartache, but I also know that I don't understand his. I'm grateful I have a place I can unleash my emotions without worrying about how he feels. Maybe that's selfish, but that's why I'm anonymous. I don't have to worry about anyone else but myself here.
I guess there's one more thing that I'm grateful for. Even though I said I didn't want to hear any of the religious stuff, I'm grateful for it. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, I'll wake up and feel better. I'll be glad that I have a belief in the afterlife and it will give me the comfort that's eluding me right now. The religious stuff enables me to win the war after grief wins a battle.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
It's Hard to Explain...
I think I have writers block. I don't know how that can be possible when I'm writing about myself, but there it is. A giant block. I've started several different drafts, but haven't finished any of them. I don't know how to finish them or I'm not ready to address that wound yet. I don't know why it's so difficult right now. The last month hasn't been particularly hard.
Okay, I take that back. There's been a lot that has happened in the last month and my mom wasn't there. My husband and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. We would've celebrated my parents anniversary too. My sister and I had a birthday and this time last year I was with my mom saying goodbye. Perhaps it was more than I realized.
I started exercising again which I know has helped. I learned several years ago how to control my depression and exercise is a huge part. I started over a year ago in preparation of my mom dying knowing how it would affect me. At the end of last year I accidentally took 3 months off. How do you accidentally take 3 months off you ask? I'm glad you asked. I was really busy one week with PTA stuff so I took a week off. The second week I had a lot of early morning obligations and catching up from the previous week. The third week I got sick which rolled into the fourth. The next thing I knew, it had been 3 months. I'm making it a priority again and it has helped. I also saw a picture of me and I didn't like the way I looked. I'm not overweight per se, but I'm not in shape. I have about 7-15 extra pounds from babies that I'd like to lose, depending on the week.
My brother-in-law was in town also. This will probably be a separate post to explain, but here it goes: I met my brother-in-law before I met his brother, my husband. We had (have) a lot in common and have the same interests. I wanted to date him, but he was already dating the woman he married. Several months later I met my husband and have been happily married to him for over a decade. My brother-in-law hasn't been so lucky. After over a decade of being unhappy, he and his wife are getting divorced. As I listened to him talk about his life, I found myself wondering how different his life would be if we would've gotten married instead. I think about this from time to time, how different my life would be if I would've married one of my ex boyfriends, but ultimately am grateful that I ended up with my husband. I'm very lucky to have him, he's an amazing man. It just made me sad that my brother-in-law wasn't as lucky.
There's so many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside me. When I try to sit down to type them up, I can't seem to find words. Even this post has no cohesiveness - it's just random pieces taken from my brain. Part of me wants to draft this too until I can piece it together the way I want to, but instead, I'm going to post it. Maybe going random will help chip away the block and I'll find the words again. Here's hoping.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Am I a Psychic?
A vlogger I follow was talking with a friend about spiritual gifts and for the fun of it decided to take this test. She did a video talking about her answers. I decided to accept her invitation to take the test and blog my answers. I definitely believe in spiritual gifts, although I'm still figuring out what mine are, but I wouldn't say I'm psychic. Maybe aware of spiritual things and how they can affect us, but not like I know the future. So here we go. PS, I didn't proof this one so sorry if there are mistakes. I'll get around to it another night.
Are you good at telling when people are lying?
Yes. It's like a little alarm goes off in my head when I'm being lied to. I don't usually say anything to that person, unless it's my kid, I just make a mental note. If you're lying to me then I can't trust you so I won't tell you anything personal.
Do you ever feel drained or tired around certain people?
YES! Oh my, yes. There are certain people who I just avoid because I feel like they're sucking my will to live. They're like emotional vampires and take everything I have to offer. I had a good friend in high school that, after graduation, turned into an emotional vampire. The choices she was making and the affects it was having on her life was too much for me. I had to take a step back from that friendship. She wore me out.
Have you ever thought of someone and they gave you a call soon after?
Yes. This happened a lot with my mom. It was weird. I'd be driving in my car and have a thought that I wanted to share with my mom and as I was reaching for my phone, she'd call me. It happened a little with other people, but mostly with my mom. I think that's one of the things I miss the most.
Do you communicate well with animals, and do they respond well to you?
I'm not sure how to answer this question. I feel like my childhood dog and I had a great relationship. He knew when I needed him and was there for me every time. But since he died, I haven't had a pet around so I'm not sure if it's still that way. I will say that I haven't met a dog that hasn't liked me. And most cats don't like me, but the feeling is mutual. The only cat that I like is my sisters and it's because it hates cats just as much as I do. I'm going to say yes to this question.
Are you drawn to the unexplained and the paranormal?
Mostly yes. I love reading about unexplained or paranormal things as long as it doesn't have a satanic vibe to it. When it gets that evil feeling to it, I'm out. But stories about sweet things, love them. One October as a teenager, a group of friends and I went to a whole bunch of haunted houses. We were having a great time. The sister of one of those friends had lived in a real haunted house. It belonged to her husband's grandparents. They lived there for a year or so but then it just got to be too much. We decided to go there one night. Bad idea. It scared the crap out of me and I couldn't sleep without a light on for a week. I'll blog about that experience another time.
Do you ever have a feeling that there is another presence helping you?
Yes. I believe in the afterlife. I also believe in doing genealogy. I like finding out who's in my family tree and learning about them. There have been many times where I feel like I'm being guided to find someone missing. I've also felt the presence of family when I've needed them.
When meeting a new person for the first time, have you ever felt that you'd met them before?
Yes. It has only happened a few times and with people who turn out to be really good, dear friends.
You know that plants and animals have consciousness.
Not a question, but yes. I believe that all things created by God has some sort of spiritual awareness. Not necessarily the same level of consciousness that humans have, but a spirit and awareness.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nope. I don't. I believe that you can have a connection with someone, like spirits talking, but a true, deep, meaningful love, no. I think true love comes over time and with a lot of work.
Have you ever had a premonition, or dream, that came true?
Yes. This actually happens a lot. Well, not so much now, but as a child, it happened all the time to the point that if it was something bad happening, it freaked me out. When I was like 7 my sister and dad were in a play together that her middle school was putting on. It was called "It's My Life". I loved the music to it. Anyway, they used ladders of all sized in the background of one (or more, it was a long time ago) dance scenes and the dancers would climb or sit on them. One night I was lying in bet and the thought came to me that the tallest ladder was going to fall and the girl was going to get hurt. I went upstairs and told my mom who sent me back to bed. The next night during one of the solos, the stage was dark except for the spotlighted singer, there was a crash. Turns out one of the smaller ladders fell and the girl broke her arm. That was the first time I remember that a premonition came true.
Do synchronicities and uncanny coincidences play a role in your life?
Yes. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe that God is in control of my life when I allow Him to be and puts things into place the way I need them to be.
Have you ever had an ecstatic or out of body experience?
No.
Have you ever seen or experienced an aura?
Yes. I don't think I've actually seen one, but I have noticed when people look dark and when people look light. Maybe that's what I'm seeing. I've also felt a change in myself when coming in close contact with people whether it's for good or bad.
Have you ever been along and heard someone talking to you or call your name?
I'm not sure how to answer this. Have I heard, like with my ears, someone calling my name? No. But I have had thoughts that weren't my own as if someone was talking to me. I'm going to say yes because I have experienced what I think is the idea of this question, that you've had someone not there talk to you. So yes.
If you close your eyes, is it easy for you to imagine, visualize, or see images?
Yes, and this plays into my dreams. I have very vivid, colorful dreams that I remember. They're not memories though, my memory is terrible, but I can visualize something being described to me or reading from a book and I can see it as if it was a memory.
Have you ever been checking someone out of the opposite sex and they turned around, knowing what you were doing, and gave you a glare?
Yes, but no. I've checked someone out and had them turn, but never glared at.
And my results?
You are: The Psychic Goddess
Your Total Score: 70 out of 80 — (88%)
Telepathic Communication: 20 out of 20
Clairvoyance: 15 out of 10
Spiritual Awareness: 20 out of 25
Pre-Cognitive Ability: 5 out of 10
Well, there you have it. I'm a Psychic Goddess. I guess it's time to open a shop and start making some money.
This Mama Needs a Break
Sometimes I hate being a mother. Okay, hate is too strong of a word.
Sometimes I'm tired of being a mother.
There.
That's better.
I'm tired of doing the dishes and laundry and making dinner and planning dinner and grocery shopping and cleaning the house and waking up early and making lunches and taking them to school and entertaining the 3 year old and sweeping the floor and sweeping the floor and sweeping the floor. How is it possible to sweep a floor as many times in a day that I do and still find dirt? My husband is great and is very helpful, but I'm just tired of it all.
Not that I'd change or trade it, I just need a break. A pause button or to switch places with someone and live their childless life for a week or three. Just long enough to rest, reset, and rejuvenate. The idea of not having my family, or worse, something happening to them, makes me sick, but a break would be nice.
Being the mother of four is exhausting. The first three are within three years then a three year break before number four. They wear me out. I often look at other moms and the fun activities they do with their kids and think, "I want to be that mom" but to be honest, I'm not that mom. That's not the mom I grew up with so I really don't know how to be that mom or do I care to be.
Nothing against my mom. She hated our situation. Due to circumstances beyond their control, my parents were poor. My dad was supposed to get the family business, but my grandpa sold it leaving my dad high and dry and in debt because his name was on the company accounts. I was a newborn when this happened and with 3 more small children at home, he realized he had to get an education. He went to a trade school that was 6 hours away. When he was finished, he got a job working full-time, but when that wasn't enough to make ends meet, picked up a part-time job. All the while my mom worked full-time. I was raised by a neighbor up the street. My mom hated it. She told me once that when she first started dropping me off, I would cry. She'd kiss me goodbye, get into her car, and cry all the way to work. After awhile, I stopped crying when she'd drop me off. She'd kiss me goodbye, get into her car, and cry all the way to work. As soon as my parents were financially stable, she quit. I was 12. So I didn't have much of a crafty mom when I was a kid. She was awesome with my kids, but unfortunately, that was short lived.
Is it bad to admit this? I'm always afraid of being too honest. That someone out there will take it out of context and think I'm a terrible mother. I don't really care what they think of me, but there's that fear they'll call DCFS or something. I love my kids and meet their emotional, physical, and mental well-being. I'm just saying that I'm a person too and sometimes I need a break from them for my emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Tell me I'm not the only one.
Sometimes I'm tired of being a mother.
There.
That's better.
I'm tired of doing the dishes and laundry and making dinner and planning dinner and grocery shopping and cleaning the house and waking up early and making lunches and taking them to school and entertaining the 3 year old and sweeping the floor and sweeping the floor and sweeping the floor. How is it possible to sweep a floor as many times in a day that I do and still find dirt? My husband is great and is very helpful, but I'm just tired of it all.
Not that I'd change or trade it, I just need a break. A pause button or to switch places with someone and live their childless life for a week or three. Just long enough to rest, reset, and rejuvenate. The idea of not having my family, or worse, something happening to them, makes me sick, but a break would be nice.
Being the mother of four is exhausting. The first three are within three years then a three year break before number four. They wear me out. I often look at other moms and the fun activities they do with their kids and think, "I want to be that mom" but to be honest, I'm not that mom. That's not the mom I grew up with so I really don't know how to be that mom or do I care to be.
Nothing against my mom. She hated our situation. Due to circumstances beyond their control, my parents were poor. My dad was supposed to get the family business, but my grandpa sold it leaving my dad high and dry and in debt because his name was on the company accounts. I was a newborn when this happened and with 3 more small children at home, he realized he had to get an education. He went to a trade school that was 6 hours away. When he was finished, he got a job working full-time, but when that wasn't enough to make ends meet, picked up a part-time job. All the while my mom worked full-time. I was raised by a neighbor up the street. My mom hated it. She told me once that when she first started dropping me off, I would cry. She'd kiss me goodbye, get into her car, and cry all the way to work. After awhile, I stopped crying when she'd drop me off. She'd kiss me goodbye, get into her car, and cry all the way to work. As soon as my parents were financially stable, she quit. I was 12. So I didn't have much of a crafty mom when I was a kid. She was awesome with my kids, but unfortunately, that was short lived.
Is it bad to admit this? I'm always afraid of being too honest. That someone out there will take it out of context and think I'm a terrible mother. I don't really care what they think of me, but there's that fear they'll call DCFS or something. I love my kids and meet their emotional, physical, and mental well-being. I'm just saying that I'm a person too and sometimes I need a break from them for my emotional, physical, and mental well-being. Tell me I'm not the only one.
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