Emptiness

Today the grief is winning.

We're approaching the first anniversary of my mom's death.  I don't want to use the word "anniversary" because to me "anniversary" is a positive thing and this isn't positive.  This sucks.  This absolutely sucks.

Today I'm angry and sad and lonely.  Today I miss her so much that my heart feels like it may burst.  Today I'm so angry that she's dead that I want to scream.  Today I'd give anything to be able to go lie next to her grave just to be close to her.  Today I'm broken.

I keep telling myself that it'll get better.  It has to, right?  But days like today feel like it never will.  How can it?  Nothing will bring her back.  Yes, I believe in the afterlife and that my mom is still with me and blah blah blah, but today that doesn't bring comfort.  Today I don't want to hear any of that crap.  Today I'm mad at myself for ever saying it to someone who has lost a loved one because until you've experienced it, you have no idea how it feels.  I know hearing stuff like that brings comfort to some, like my brother, but it doesn't to me.  Not on days like today.  It does nothing to the hole that is my heart.

Tomorrow will mark one year since I last spoke with my mom.  The last day I saw her alive. It was a Friday.  We decided not to go up on Saturday or Sunday so she could rest.  She died Sunday night.  I wish I could go back in time and spend every last minute of her life curled up by her side. I wish I could go back and just be with her.  To see her smile and have her hold me.  I wish I could smell her and hold her hand.  I'd give anything to hold her hand again.  Death sucks.  There are very few things that I can say that I hate, but I HATE death.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.

Despite everything I just typed, there are two things that I'm grateful for today.  First, that my husband is at work so I can sit at my computer sobbing.  It's not that I don't cry in front of him, but there's something about being alone that is really freeing when you have a breakdown.  Second, that my dad doesn't know about my blog.  No matter how I'm feeling about my mom, I know it doesn't compare to how he feels.  They were married for 41 years.  I know my heartache doesn't touch his.  I realize it's a different kind of heartache, but I also know that I don't understand his.  I'm grateful I have a place I can unleash my emotions without worrying about how he feels.  Maybe that's selfish, but that's why I'm anonymous.  I don't have to worry about anyone else but myself here.

I guess there's one more thing that I'm grateful for.  Even though I said I didn't want to hear any of the religious stuff, I'm grateful for it.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, I'll wake up and feel better.  I'll be glad that I have a belief in the afterlife and it will give me the comfort that's eluding me right now.  The religious stuff enables me to win the war after grief wins a battle.