Self Esteem and Makeup

I've struggled with self-esteem my whole life.  There were a few years that I felt amazing about myself overall, but that little insecurity was still there.  I started wearing makeup at 12 for no other reason than to look older.  I've basically worn a full face of makeup since.  I didn't struggle so much with that aspect until Jacob.

When I was 16 my family moved to Virginia for a short time.  Shortly before we moved again, I became friends with Sophia.  We kept up our friendship long distance and I would fly back to visit her whenever I could.  The summer of my 17th year was one of those visits.  I really admired Sophia's natural beauty and effortless style.  She was everything that I wanted to be.  I tried really hard to be like her, but that's for another post.  Through her I met Jacob.  At the time, he had a girlfriend and I was nursing a broken heart myself. We became friends, but nothing more.

Fast forward a few months and my ex and I were starting to rekindle our relationship.  I wasn't sure of what to do so I asked Jacob for his opinion.  His response was to not go back with my ex, but to date him.  Neither were good options, but tell that to my 17 year-old self.  Oh, and how I fell for Jacob.  I'll post more about him another time because there's a lot that happened there.  Here's the point of him.  He flew out to visit me around my 18th birthday.  At this point I had gone to school everyday since I was 12 wearing makeup. Jacob wanted to see me without makeup and asked me to show him.  I decided to oblige, but in order to do that I decided to go to school without makeup on.  When I was finished (I only went half days so I was done around 11ish), I drove over to where Jacob was staying to wake him up.  He took one look at me and said, "You look better with makeup on."

It crushed me.

I wouldn't leave my house without makeup on for years.  Very few people saw me without makeup and it was only because I couldn't avoid it.  I'd suffer near panic attacks anytime someone would see me without makeup.  I felt awful about myself.

Well, many years later, I'm okay.  I still don't like to go places without makeup, but it's not crippling anymore.  I can go to the grocery without and am fine.

It's so interesting the direction this post went.  When I started I hadn't planned on writing about this.  I was going to talk about how I struggle with pictures of myself because I look older than I think I should.  I have dark circles under my eyes.  It could be from my dairy intolerance or genetics, but they're there.  There are times when I feel like when someone looks at me it's all bags, circles, and crows feet. I finally got some guts and posted selfies on Facebook.  It was hard, but I need to accept myself for who I am, crows feet and all.  I don't want to go back to being that girl with low self-esteem.