I've struggled with self-esteem my whole life. There were a few years that I felt amazing about myself overall, but that little insecurity was still there. I started wearing makeup at 12 for no other reason than to look older. I've basically worn a full face of makeup since. I didn't struggle so much with that aspect until Jacob.
When I was 16 my family moved to Virginia for a short time. Shortly before we moved again, I became friends with Sophia. We kept up our friendship long distance and I would fly back to visit her whenever I could. The summer of my 17th year was one of those visits. I really admired Sophia's natural beauty and effortless style. She was everything that I wanted to be. I tried really hard to be like her, but that's for another post. Through her I met Jacob. At the time, he had a girlfriend and I was nursing a broken heart myself. We became friends, but nothing more.
Fast forward a few months and my ex and I were starting to rekindle our relationship. I wasn't sure of what to do so I asked Jacob for his opinion. His response was to not go back with my ex, but to date him. Neither were good options, but tell that to my 17 year-old self. Oh, and how I fell for Jacob. I'll post more about him another time because there's a lot that happened there. Here's the point of him. He flew out to visit me around my 18th birthday. At this point I had gone to school everyday since I was 12 wearing makeup. Jacob wanted to see me without makeup and asked me to show him. I decided to oblige, but in order to do that I decided to go to school without makeup on. When I was finished (I only went half days so I was done around 11ish), I drove over to where Jacob was staying to wake him up. He took one look at me and said, "You look better with makeup on."
It crushed me.
I wouldn't leave my house without makeup on for years. Very few people saw me without makeup and it was only because I couldn't avoid it. I'd suffer near panic attacks anytime someone would see me without makeup. I felt awful about myself.
Well, many years later, I'm okay. I still don't like to go places without makeup, but it's not crippling anymore. I can go to the grocery without and am fine.
It's so interesting the direction this post went. When I started I hadn't planned on writing about this. I was going to talk about how I struggle with pictures of myself because I look older than I think I should. I have dark circles under my eyes. It could be from my dairy intolerance or genetics, but they're there. There are times when I feel like when someone looks at me it's all bags, circles, and crows feet. I finally got some guts and posted selfies on Facebook. It was hard, but I need to accept myself for who I am, crows feet and all. I don't want to go back to being that girl with low self-esteem.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
I Survived the Family Visit/Drama!
I thought I would update from my last post. There was definitely some drama during the family visit, and where I expected it, but overall it was better than I expected. The sum of the trip was it was delightful to have my in-laws, my cousin in-law, and my dad here. I wish my brother-in-law and Side Piece wouldn't have come. Or at least not Side Piece. I didn't like who my brother-in-law turned into around her.
Cousin-in-law was surprisingly delightful. Let me explain. The last time I saw her she was around 20 and making some pretty dumb life choices. It was hard to be around her because even though she was sweet, there was something about her that put me off. A lot has happened to her over the last three years and she's really come into her own. Her sweetness is still there, but that something else isn't. I ended up being really glad she was there.
Dad stayed with me and was a lot of fun. We were able to spend some time alone together, not as much as I would've liked, but enough. My dad wasn't active in our church when I was growing up. It wasn't until a few years ago that he really got his crap together. It's been great seeing him this happy. We spend a lot of time now discussing the gospel and it reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my mom. I love that reminder.
In-laws were as usual. My mother-in-law is the best. I caught a head cold/sinus infection while they were here. She watched my kids and cleaned my house while I napped. My father-in-law is unique. There are aspects of him that drive me (and everyone else) crazy, but there's also a lot of good about him. Friday night Brother-in-law lost the keys to the house he was staying at. Everyone spent an hour searching my house for this key while my FIL played a computer game. I get that once you start you can't really stop, but after the game ended, he started a new one. That's just him.
So let's get to what you really want to read about - my crappy brother-in-law and his mistress. I realize that it was my choice not to let them stay at my house so this is kind of a cheat thing to be annoyed about, but they wouldn't come over to my house until late in the afternoon. We'd see them around like 3 everyday. Side Piece barely spoke to us and even then it was when we forced her to. Friday night we had a banquet for my husband's work. We fronted the tickets for everyone with them all agreeing to pay us back. At this banquet they had several raffles. Side Piece won a BMW gift bag. It included a 2-day BMW car rental, a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant, a BMW watch which I'd guess was worth at least $50, a BMW pen and hat, and a few other miscellaneous things. They picked up the car on Saturday after the baptism which actually made it easier to have an extra car. Sunday they didn't come over until 4 which is when I said dinner would be ready and left again around 8 to go to the fancy restaurant. Monday they returned the car using my in-laws car. It hadn't been communicated to BIL that my MIL needed the car to pick my kids up from school. No big deal for them to walk except it was raining really hard. By the time they made it home, they were sopping wet. The icing on the cake was when I got a notice from the school's librarian saying I have to pay to replace the damaged book that was in my daughter's backpack. Again, I can't be mad about the lack of communication because he wasn't staying with us, but he sure could've made a better effort to find out what has happening every day. It was also super awesome when, after Brother-in-law had his fun weekend with Side Piece, he tells us that he doesn't have any money and isn't going to pay us back for the tickets. Classy.
The crowning moment of the whole weekend was Tuesday night. Cousin-in-law is a hairdresser and she gave Brother-in-law a haircut as my children were going to bed. When she finished, he took a shower and, unknown to any of us, invited Side Piece into the bathroom with him. Yeah, that bugs me because of the message it gives my kids which was what we were avoiding and why we weren't allowing them to stay at our house, but the problem was that Cousin-in-law thought they were in the shower together and told me that. I lost it. The build up from the frustrating weekend with them just hit me. I didn't say anything to him about the shower, but I wasn't very nice when we were playing games. I felt like he got a weekend away with his mistress on everyone else's dime. I felt taken advantage of and disrespected. He tried to stay on the offensive of our conversation, but when I'm on a roll, not many can stand against me. He basically avoided me the rest of the night and the next morning as they got ready to leave. Husband spoke to him about it yesterday and he apologized. It didn't occur to him the image he was showing my children. He says he didn't mean to be disrespectful either. He was just being stupid. That's the word I would use to describe his behavior the whole weekend: stupid. I also apologized because I realize that I overreacted, but still. I doubt this relationship will last long, there were many telling signs from this weekend that are big red flags to me, but he seems to be oblivious or not care. One thing's for sure, if he wants to bring her the next time he visits, the answer is no, or he will get a hotel room and pay for his weekend away.
One more thing about Side Piece. She's kind of dumb. Maybe there's a learning disability, but if not, then she's just dumb. She didn't know that three-quarters and three-fourths was the same thing. She also can't add. We were playing a game with dominoes and at the end you have to add everything up. She couldn't do it. She had Brother-in-law do it every time. Mind you, sometimes they were simple numbers like six and four. She also has no idea or direction for her life. We were trying to get to know her better and everything we asked she answered with an "I don't know". "What are some of your interests?" "I don't really have any." "What do you want to do when you get out of the Air Force?" "I don't know." "Do you want to stay in the Air Force?" "I don't know, not really." "Are you interested in going to college or a trade school?" "I don't know. I don't think I want to go to college, but I'm not sure." Maybe that 14 year age gap is perfect because she's looking for someone to take care of her. Joke's on her though because Brother-in-law can barely afford to pay child support, credit card payments, and take care of himself. I think she figured that out while she was here.
Well, that about sums it up I think. I want to add that I realized I did a lot of name calling for Side Piece, but I definitely say a lot about Brother-in-law. Apparently I only say them in my mind. Or to my husband.
Cousin-in-law was surprisingly delightful. Let me explain. The last time I saw her she was around 20 and making some pretty dumb life choices. It was hard to be around her because even though she was sweet, there was something about her that put me off. A lot has happened to her over the last three years and she's really come into her own. Her sweetness is still there, but that something else isn't. I ended up being really glad she was there.
Dad stayed with me and was a lot of fun. We were able to spend some time alone together, not as much as I would've liked, but enough. My dad wasn't active in our church when I was growing up. It wasn't until a few years ago that he really got his crap together. It's been great seeing him this happy. We spend a lot of time now discussing the gospel and it reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my mom. I love that reminder.
In-laws were as usual. My mother-in-law is the best. I caught a head cold/sinus infection while they were here. She watched my kids and cleaned my house while I napped. My father-in-law is unique. There are aspects of him that drive me (and everyone else) crazy, but there's also a lot of good about him. Friday night Brother-in-law lost the keys to the house he was staying at. Everyone spent an hour searching my house for this key while my FIL played a computer game. I get that once you start you can't really stop, but after the game ended, he started a new one. That's just him.
So let's get to what you really want to read about - my crappy brother-in-law and his mistress. I realize that it was my choice not to let them stay at my house so this is kind of a cheat thing to be annoyed about, but they wouldn't come over to my house until late in the afternoon. We'd see them around like 3 everyday. Side Piece barely spoke to us and even then it was when we forced her to. Friday night we had a banquet for my husband's work. We fronted the tickets for everyone with them all agreeing to pay us back. At this banquet they had several raffles. Side Piece won a BMW gift bag. It included a 2-day BMW car rental, a $100 gift card to a nice restaurant, a BMW watch which I'd guess was worth at least $50, a BMW pen and hat, and a few other miscellaneous things. They picked up the car on Saturday after the baptism which actually made it easier to have an extra car. Sunday they didn't come over until 4 which is when I said dinner would be ready and left again around 8 to go to the fancy restaurant. Monday they returned the car using my in-laws car. It hadn't been communicated to BIL that my MIL needed the car to pick my kids up from school. No big deal for them to walk except it was raining really hard. By the time they made it home, they were sopping wet. The icing on the cake was when I got a notice from the school's librarian saying I have to pay to replace the damaged book that was in my daughter's backpack. Again, I can't be mad about the lack of communication because he wasn't staying with us, but he sure could've made a better effort to find out what has happening every day. It was also super awesome when, after Brother-in-law had his fun weekend with Side Piece, he tells us that he doesn't have any money and isn't going to pay us back for the tickets. Classy.
The crowning moment of the whole weekend was Tuesday night. Cousin-in-law is a hairdresser and she gave Brother-in-law a haircut as my children were going to bed. When she finished, he took a shower and, unknown to any of us, invited Side Piece into the bathroom with him. Yeah, that bugs me because of the message it gives my kids which was what we were avoiding and why we weren't allowing them to stay at our house, but the problem was that Cousin-in-law thought they were in the shower together and told me that. I lost it. The build up from the frustrating weekend with them just hit me. I didn't say anything to him about the shower, but I wasn't very nice when we were playing games. I felt like he got a weekend away with his mistress on everyone else's dime. I felt taken advantage of and disrespected. He tried to stay on the offensive of our conversation, but when I'm on a roll, not many can stand against me. He basically avoided me the rest of the night and the next morning as they got ready to leave. Husband spoke to him about it yesterday and he apologized. It didn't occur to him the image he was showing my children. He says he didn't mean to be disrespectful either. He was just being stupid. That's the word I would use to describe his behavior the whole weekend: stupid. I also apologized because I realize that I overreacted, but still. I doubt this relationship will last long, there were many telling signs from this weekend that are big red flags to me, but he seems to be oblivious or not care. One thing's for sure, if he wants to bring her the next time he visits, the answer is no, or he will get a hotel room and pay for his weekend away.
One more thing about Side Piece. She's kind of dumb. Maybe there's a learning disability, but if not, then she's just dumb. She didn't know that three-quarters and three-fourths was the same thing. She also can't add. We were playing a game with dominoes and at the end you have to add everything up. She couldn't do it. She had Brother-in-law do it every time. Mind you, sometimes they were simple numbers like six and four. She also has no idea or direction for her life. We were trying to get to know her better and everything we asked she answered with an "I don't know". "What are some of your interests?" "I don't really have any." "What do you want to do when you get out of the Air Force?" "I don't know." "Do you want to stay in the Air Force?" "I don't know, not really." "Are you interested in going to college or a trade school?" "I don't know. I don't think I want to go to college, but I'm not sure." Maybe that 14 year age gap is perfect because she's looking for someone to take care of her. Joke's on her though because Brother-in-law can barely afford to pay child support, credit card payments, and take care of himself. I think she figured that out while she was here.
Well, that about sums it up I think. I want to add that I realized I did a lot of name calling for Side Piece, but I definitely say a lot about Brother-in-law. Apparently I only say them in my mind. Or to my husband.
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