The Drama of a Family Visit

I live over a thousand miles away from my dad.  Last August I flew back to help him and my sister go through my mom's things.  While I was there, he decided to come spend Christmas with my family as well as come in April for my daughter's baptism.  I was thrilled!  I went home and told my kids and started planning.  A couple of months later, we made a spontaneous trip back for a friend's wedding.  While we were there, my dad told me that since he was seeing my family at that time, that he decided to stay home for Christmas.  My brother's daughter, who lives closer to me than my brother, was going to be there for Christmas and my dad didn't want to miss her.  To say that I was disappointed was an understatement, but I understood.

Now April is upon us and I'm feeling disappointed again.  My dad didn't cancel, he'll be here for her baptism, but I have a lot more family coming and I feel like it's going to take away my time with my dad.  As I mentioned before, I'm LDS and in my faith we don't baptize our children until they're 8.  Of course my in-laws want to come, I expect them to, but now I have 3 other people coming who, frankly, I don't want to.  At least not for this event.

Let me explain.  My brother-in-law is in the middle of a divorce.  He's been unhappy for a decade and his wife isn't very nice.  Like, at all.  I totally get it, but what makes me mad is that he had an affair.  He told his wife about it and then committed to working on the marriage.  Fast forward 9 months and it comes out that he's been talking to Side Piece the whole time.  That makes me angry.  I didn't have a lot of respect for him after the affair anyway, but that just eliminated what was remaining.  I feel like I've already talked about this, so forgive me if I have.  But now he wants to come visit and introduce us to Side Piece at my daughter's baptism.  What the heck?  Oh, and even though her parents live less than an hour away from me, she's not telling them she's visiting so she'll need a place to stay.  I'm NOT comfortable with having them stay in my home under these circumstances.  It took about a month before my husband finally understood and actually backed me up on how I felt.  It took a compromise and me pointing out that he wasn't on my side before he saw it, but he did and fixed that situation.  Brother and Side Piece are staying with neighbors.

Next is my husband's cousin.  Now, under normal circumstances I would be thrilled to have her come visit.  She's struggling right now because of some choices she made that didn't turn out the way she had hoped and now she's stuck.  She needs a vacation so she chose to come see us.  Very sweet, but "I need to get away, hey, I'll come see you" isn't the same as "you're daughter is about to make a big covenant, I want to come support her in this amazing decision" so I feel like it just takes away from my little girl.  I won't let my daughter know this, I'm going to make her believe that everyone is coming for her because that's the way it should be.

So I'm sorting through all of this added drama to what should have been a drama free event when my dad suggests staying at a hotel since my house is a little small for all the additional guests.  My heart broke.  I insisted he stay here, but he's stubborn and likes his space.  I've enlisted the help of my sister.  I know between the two of us that we'll get the point across.  I know I shouldn't be bugged about having family come to visit, but I've never had my family visit me before.  Right after we moved here we found out my mom's cancer was back.  The whole first year was spent with her being too sick to do anything so obviously they couldn't come visit.  My sister hurt her back so badly that she was basically bedridden for 9 months and finally had to get surgery.  Her husband had a stroke right after we left.  Both of my brothers are super poor and are barely making ends meet as it is so they can't afford to come visit.  Then my mom died.  The last year has been about emotional survival for all of us as well as physical healing for others.  Now the time has finally come that someone is coming to visit and this is what I'm dealing with - him staying in a hotel because my house isn't big enough.  

I'm not mad at my dad, I totally get it, I'm mad at the situation.  I know it'll all work out, but I can't help but feel anxious as it looms closer.  And I swear, if Side Piece acts like the 21 year-old that she is, I'm going to lose it.  Yeah, that's right, my brother-in-law's girlfriend is 15 years younger than him!  Yep, that's going to last the test of time.  Especially when the relationship started by lying to their spouse/significant other.  Great foundation.

Anyway, that's a topic for another time.  Thanks for listening.  Putting it all out there always helps me feel better.  I hope that this will and it'll help me figure out how to make this work so I actually enjoy the visits.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Emptiness

Today the grief is winning.

We're approaching the first anniversary of my mom's death.  I don't want to use the word "anniversary" because to me "anniversary" is a positive thing and this isn't positive.  This sucks.  This absolutely sucks.

Today I'm angry and sad and lonely.  Today I miss her so much that my heart feels like it may burst.  Today I'm so angry that she's dead that I want to scream.  Today I'd give anything to be able to go lie next to her grave just to be close to her.  Today I'm broken.

I keep telling myself that it'll get better.  It has to, right?  But days like today feel like it never will.  How can it?  Nothing will bring her back.  Yes, I believe in the afterlife and that my mom is still with me and blah blah blah, but today that doesn't bring comfort.  Today I don't want to hear any of that crap.  Today I'm mad at myself for ever saying it to someone who has lost a loved one because until you've experienced it, you have no idea how it feels.  I know hearing stuff like that brings comfort to some, like my brother, but it doesn't to me.  Not on days like today.  It does nothing to the hole that is my heart.

Tomorrow will mark one year since I last spoke with my mom.  The last day I saw her alive. It was a Friday.  We decided not to go up on Saturday or Sunday so she could rest.  She died Sunday night.  I wish I could go back in time and spend every last minute of her life curled up by her side. I wish I could go back and just be with her.  To see her smile and have her hold me.  I wish I could smell her and hold her hand.  I'd give anything to hold her hand again.  Death sucks.  There are very few things that I can say that I hate, but I HATE death.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.

Despite everything I just typed, there are two things that I'm grateful for today.  First, that my husband is at work so I can sit at my computer sobbing.  It's not that I don't cry in front of him, but there's something about being alone that is really freeing when you have a breakdown.  Second, that my dad doesn't know about my blog.  No matter how I'm feeling about my mom, I know it doesn't compare to how he feels.  They were married for 41 years.  I know my heartache doesn't touch his.  I realize it's a different kind of heartache, but I also know that I don't understand his.  I'm grateful I have a place I can unleash my emotions without worrying about how he feels.  Maybe that's selfish, but that's why I'm anonymous.  I don't have to worry about anyone else but myself here.

I guess there's one more thing that I'm grateful for.  Even though I said I didn't want to hear any of the religious stuff, I'm grateful for it.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, I'll wake up and feel better.  I'll be glad that I have a belief in the afterlife and it will give me the comfort that's eluding me right now.  The religious stuff enables me to win the war after grief wins a battle.